Buffalo Trace Vows to Release More Bourbon, More Often

In Efforts to Thwart Secondary Market Pricing, Buffalo Trace Will Increase Allocations, Making Allocations Unnecessary

The secondary market pricing on many Buffalo Trace bourbon products inspired the leaders of the brand to start releasing more of their coveted bourbons. A source close to the Buffalo states that “the shelves will collapse like a Barton warehouse with all the BTAC we’re about to ship.” The inability for brand new bourbon aficionados to take crotch shots of Pappy in liquor store parking lots was another major motivator in the decision. As noted by plenty of experts on Facebook, Buffalo Trace has tons of bourbon.

In addition to supplying the bourbon tater with all the Pappy they ever wanted, Buffalo Trace also feels real bad that they started the whole allocation thing. Now other brands have followed suit. One head of sales said that his team really has no purpose since retailers, bars, and customers alike are literally begging for the product. “We want to make our employees work for their enormous paychecks, not just collect them,” he says.

“It all started as a joke,” one marketing executive explains, “and then, next thing you know, these guys are actually buying piles of [Wheatley] vodka to get a few extra bottles of Blanton’s behind the bar. It’s gone far enough.”

While the public is completely convinced that more expensive, prettier bottles will definitely gain them street cred in their online groups, Buffalo Trace laughs at the sheer absurdity. “They actually believe that the same bourbon in a different bottle is better and worth more,” says the designated social media troller for Sazerac Co. “Far be it from us to take their manhood away.”

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Even the operations department of the famed Frankfort distillery weighed in on the ultimate decision to release all the bourbon. “We’re building a new warehouse every morning for all this bourbon,” said the warehouse builder. “At this rate, our next Experimental project will be a virtual bourbon. We’ll just ask you to pay to imagine what it tastes like,” says the creative director’s niece. “Since Matthew McConaughey is already taken, I guess we’ll ask Owen Wilson to narrate the tasting; they kind of look alike.”

Expect to see MSRP on the flood of Buffalo Trace Antique Collection, Van Winkle bourbons, Weller, Taylor, and Blanton’s in stores near you today, April Fools’ Day.